This month I have felt always two to ten steps behind. To do lists constantly being written and rewritten as opposed to being crossed off. Moments of stopping in wonder: how do other's do it? How do others get it all done? I kept positive (as I do) and thought soon I will catch up. Next week the rhythm will be there. It'll be okay. Then I thought maybe that's just how I am. Chaotic. A mess. That's okay, I can accept it. I posted on Facebook:I used to think of myself as an organised person, but today in acting class (as rice grains where flying around the room) it came out clearly, "you are a mess". Yes I am. I think I am okay with that. i think so. yeah. i am. i am a happy chaotic mess doing my best to let myself be...I tried to embrace my chaos but found myself still constantly stumbling.
I mentioned this to a wise woman and she plainly but oh so accurately replied, "the chaos isn't out there, it is in here (she pointed to my heart, my gut)."
With the chaos, I have also been feeling especially insecure, unsure if I belong or if I can do the things I want to do and have always dreamed of doing. Full of doubt. I mentioned this to a wise man and he answered plainly but oh so clearly, "it's up to you to decide what you want to be and be it. You are really the only one holding yourself back. You don't need permission or mentoring from anyone else. It's up to you."
I casually commented to a new aquaintance that I can't sing she openly answered, "I believe everyone can sing. Maybe we should trade singing for yoga lesson." She doesn't know it yet but I'll be taking her up on that offer. Oh my. Singing. Maybe it is time to let go of all the old voices, the old judges I constantly relieve. The chaos and judging are not out there but in here. It's time I grow up and take responsibility for all of myself and be all that I want to be. Time for me to sing. Loud and full of heart.
I spent the weekend doing a workshop with Sarah Powers. Before the intense practice, she gave lucid, intelligent and heart felt talks. Many of her words jumped out of her mouth straight into my heart. A few of which (reinterpreted though my hearing, my experience) are:
- To know peace, we need to explore all the ways we are at war within ourselves
- By studying yourself, you study humanness: the more I know myself the more I know others
- We are all mostly wanting to be at home within ourselves
There is great advice and wisdom out there. I am grateful for the inspirations, the teachings. So much so that I have decided to allow myself to turn back to myself. To allow myself to be inspired by me. To meditate. To listen. To breathe with awareness while cooking dinner for the family, filling myself up instead of draining myself out. To slowing down and taking the time to see my chaos for what it is, my chaos, myself. To allow myself to be the person I always wanted to be: big, bright, and colourful. To sing and sing without fear in front of others. To mess up. To forgive myself. To be human and wonderfully imperfectly perfect. To be me as fully me as I can. Over and over I come back to my same lessons for myself. I keep coming home to myself.
On facebook, I casually but with my open heart posted:Let's make this week, 'FOLLOW YOUR OWN ADVICE WEEK'. Who's in?
Well, who's in?
THIS BLOG'S PHOTO'S ARE
COURTESY OF NIKO FANORE
Peace and self inspiration,
erinbell
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