Saturday, January 1, 2011
Moving of Greys
Last year, my New Year's resolution was to add clarity and courage to my quest for honesty. I can't say how well I fared. They have supported me but I still feel far off from courageous and clear. I feel there is so much more honesty in me that I haven't yet let out, that I am still unsure of how to tap into and accept. There is still so much more to them, to me, and to my relationship with them.
This year, I make the resolution to let myself out more fully. To do my best to disregard my self-judgement and the judgement of others (which tends to be mostly me projecting my self-criticism and judgement onto others, which is unfair to everyone involved.) I resolve, with courage, clarity and honesty, to be more fully the complex being that I am.
What is true for one person isn't necessarily true for another. My questions, my explorations, fit me but maybe would drive another mad or bore someone else. Truth? Good? Bad? Right? Wrong? Justice? The future? The end of the world? I have been thinking about a few thing lately. I have been engaging in exciting conversations and debates. The exchanges of perspectives leave me buzzing and excited. I have been turning my questions around inside of me and haven't yet come up with any answers. But I like thinking these thoughts. I like exploring life's shades of grey.
As a yoga teacher, at times, I try to be more than I am. More moral, more noble, more yoga. But I am human. I am imperfect. I am full of wonderful and not so wonderful flaws. At times, I feel as a teacher I should be past failing, I should know more than I do, I should be in perfect health and free from injury. But I am not and I don't and I am not. As I write this it sounds ridiculous but these are my thoughts. I want to be amazing and I fail. I fail in accepting I am who I am and that is enough (or is it? says another voice and I am off again...) I think it is time I give myself the freedom to fail, fully. I need to allow myself the openness to try out different possibilities, different shades of life. Allow myself to be the eager (even over eager) bumbling curious person I am and to be okay with me and all my flavours. “We are all imperfectly perfect,” my teacher passed on. So true. As is “we are all perfectly imperfect.” Or maybe they are the same thing.
Another thought of late is, how can I save the world? How can I help that every single person in this planet has a home, food, love, education, peace, health, self worth, and joy? Since I saw the first two Zeitgeist movies, I have been wondering, can it work? Peace and respect and everything for everyone? A world with no money, no government? But how do we get from here to there? There is good and good will in the system now but there is still so much, too much, injustice. What can I do? Should I do? How much is enough? What is my role in helping to make the entire world a more open, forgiving, compassionate, giving, wonderful place? As I reread this, I think it can read flat, simple, pollyanna like, but it sits deep inside of me. It is an earnest wish. And I am asking for help. I believe in the good of people. In the good of life. And I struggle often with why is there so much injustice? Why is one person born into peace and another into war? Why have I been given so much and why don't I give more? If the world does come all crumbling to an end, I want to share my last sip of water, but I don't yet trust that I am that far. I want to be. Is wanting enough? How much is enough?
I have also been thinking, that wouldn't it be great if each and everyone of us could simply accept that we are amazing. If each of us could say to ourself without criticism, without doubt, without fear, we could say openly, freely, and honestly, “I am an intelligent, beautiful, amazing being.” If we could just accept what's there without any bullshit. When asked, my son who is 5 years old, says he knows he is amazing. That's great, I say, never forget it. But what if I forget mama? Ask me and I will remind you. Okay, he smiles. I add, but you have to really believe me because it is true. Why can't we all just believe it?
There are so many of us on this planet living so many different lives. As I kid, I used to sit in the back seat of the car in amazement as I looked into the windows of the cars around me. That guy there, he got up in his own house and decide what to wear and eat. And she there, she lives in her home somewhere else full of her things and her life. And him and her and him and her.... The amount of different stories alive around me in the car on the street used to blow my mind. And that was just Vancouver and Richmond. Take that to the whole world and that is a hell of a lot of different lives and stories and truths and ways and choices. It is a thought that can either overwhelm you or enliven you. It does both to me, depending on the day.
Peace, love, and health,
Welcome to the world Finn Eckhart Okamura. 6 weeks early eh? I guess that's a sign that you really wanted to get out and live in this big beautiful complex world. Welcome. May your journey be fulfilling and full of love.
Posted by erinbellfanore