Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Caught in the Headlights

I am in shock
Like the deer crossing the street at night
A huge set of bright lights
Capture me
Stun me
I am stunned
I am in shock

After a nine hour drive, we arrive in this Big Big Big City.
I forgot how BIG big cities are.
I forgot what a villager I had become.
Well Hello Berlin, we're the Fanores.
We plan to stay here for a few years or more.
Hope that this suits you just fine.

I don't think I ever let the reality of how big a jump it is to let go of what we know, pack our suitcases and move to a completely new place with no contacts, no jobs, no home. I didn't realise how BIG, how VAST, how HUGE and VARIED, this city is. We have come here with nothing but us and our zest for life.

I did something something similar when I moved to Paris in 1999. But then I was single and without my kids to provide for. I was young and flying on the charm of life. Well, I suppose I still am. Believe and it will be, I keep telling myself. Keep jumping off these unknown cliffs trusting your instincts and loving life and you will be taken care of just fine.
Here now mid jump with the ground oh so far away it is hard not to freak myself out. I admit I have secretely packed our bags in my mind over a dozen times already and run away from this huge newness.
What are we doing? Why Berlin? What work are we going to find? Is it going to be alright?
I don't know. But somehow between my panick attacks where we drive down big Boulevards lined with big buildings, I find or rather I connect to a sense of peace. I am such a lucky person. Health, love and faith in the goodness of life. Our migration is a chosen one. We are not banished, we are not escaping war or oppression. We are simply moving around. One place to the next and taking in as much as we can.

I wake up tentitave but we turn our car in other directions. The streets calm down, cafes with kiddie chairs line the streets, life and culture and exiciting new possibilities jump out at us and make us smile despite the rain.

I am still overwhelmed and unsure of exactly how we ended up here doing just this.

We see our first apartment and I fall in love with it. I love it. I loveit. I love it. I keep wispering to Tom. Crazy. Not the one we were meant to see but it's big sister upstairs with big bright rooms, high ceilings, a blacony, a wee room just big enough for one person to do yoga in, and a good good feeling. But it's our first apartment and more expensive than we planned.
We see three more, all fine but not...not the same YES feeling. Should we? Can we? Are we that crazy?

I wake up and do yoga. My first yogasession in Berlin. I do a quiet and still practice, one of letting go and accepting.
The morning starts out well. We get a call from the Biligual Kindergaten to say that both our kids are accepted. The apartment we love but aren't sure we should be so bold and take is around the corner from this school. (In fact, this school was one of the reasons why we decided on Berlin and getting a place isn't a given.) We take it as a sing from life saying, you're fine, keep dreaming, keep jumping. We drive back down to the area, the kids play on the coolest play ground I've seen, we ask the parents around what they think of here of now of life? It's all good. It feels right.
So why not, our first aparment. Love at first sight. That's how we met after all.
Our home is found
The kid's school is found
Now we need to find work
Life I give thanks
I am humbled by your generousity
I keep my faith that it will all be good.

Peace and happiness,

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