Awareness

What are we are of? Where is our awarenss?

As I heal from my hip, I struggle with stillness. I struggle with doing little, or "nothing." I struggle with not being fully in my body. The pain killers took my pain but also brought a level of disconnection to my body and mind. Now, off of the pain killers, with only minor discomfort, I struggle with not feeling like how I felt 3 weeks ago. My equanimisity has falltered. My focus is fuzzed. I remain happy and grateful for all that I have. I see what abundance there is in my life, still I struggle with keeping my head above the water and breathing smoothly and evenly. It will pass. I know.  The pain will soon be hard to remember in the intense form that it was. I will be back "in" my body hardly remembering this time of disconnection and uncertainty I am currently moving through. Everything comes, everything goes.  Still it can all be quite a challenge.

I am aware of the discord. I am aware of my avoidance in meditation. I am aware of my current uneasiness.  I am aware of my lack of focus, patience and attention. I am aware I am not strong and grounded. I am aware that I am healing quickly but that I still have an inflamed hip. I am aware that I don't like it and that I am resisting what is happening.  

Maybe this awareness will help me to accept now or maybe I will continue to struggle with now.

Thank you family and freinds for you support, kindness and patience.

Love and health to all,

erinbell.