What does it mean to change?
To grow?
To open up?
To let go?
To jump off into the unknown?
To let yourself fully be yourself?
(In other words, to leave yourself alone...)
To completely let go of expectations and assumptions?
These are the questions swarming through me these days. Instead of butterflies fluttering in my stomach it feels more like fire breathing dragons doing acrobatics. I find myself filling up with wonder (and a sundry of other emotions) unsure of what this means or where it is leading to.
I find my mouth opening wide, wanting to speak, to scream, to shout out, wanting to say so much but there are no words yet, no concrete ideas.
No land
Only air
Only questions
Only quickly morphing sensations
There one minute
Gone the next
Back as something new
Changed again into another moment
Another feeling
Another truth
Another breath
In this state of change, my insecurities rise up and challenge me. What is my truth? How do I leave myself alone to be more fully and wonderfully me?
I don't know
But I want to know
And it is this deep need to know myself fully, completely, without masks, without doubts, without illusion that is propelling me into more and more change. Inner change. Inner growth. I don't know where the path is leading me. I am often unsure of my next step. But my hunger for life and living it fully keeps me walking. Unsure and sure.
I am learning to really embrace the Taoist principles that nothing is completely one thing. Yin is not completely Yin, there is always that dot of Yang in it. I am embracing the truth of contradiction of variety of multiple truths all being equally true.
I send out love and patience to all,
May we all bloom more fully into ourselves,
Peace,
erinbell
Posts
I got to thinking about your blog and the theme of change and felt like reading it and saw that my last comment didn't post. Anyway, so here goes again. So much of what you name seems to be exactly what I am feeling and have felt since I've moved here to Berlin. More and more I am realising the power, and the challenge, of being my authentic self, though when I am changing so much the question is often, what does this self look like? It does help greatly though, to have friends like yourself, that are asking the same questions. You inspire with your fire Erinbell!
ReplyDeleteThat is your acrobatic dragon fire!
ReplyDeleteThanks Kusi. Your friendship is a treasure and you have helped incredibly to make Berlin home. I honestly can't imagine what it would have been like in Belrin without you at the begining and the world you opened us up to here. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI wish you much much courage and faith on your jounery.
love, joy, peace and transformation (or is it revealing),
erinbell.